Irrepressible Urges
by Wedjatqi
Summary: Teyla reflects on her life and the changes the past year have brought. Companion piece to “Irreversible Consequences”. A Bug Teyla/Bug John fic. Part of fic tag with Gater101


**Title: **Irrepressible Urges

**Disclaimers**: I make no profit of any kind from this fic, please no suey!

**Spoilers**: Set in Season 3 – before Vengeance.

**Summary: **Teyla reflects on her life and the changes the past year have brought. Companion piece to "Irreversible Consequences". A Bug Teyla/Bug John fic.

**Note: **Part of Fic Tag with Gater101.

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The mixed glowing light of sunset blazed in through the open doors to her balcony. The day was nearing its end and it would soon be time to turn in for the evening. However, she felt no need to retire, to rest or to sit inside.

She moved to the open doors, drawing in the strong sea scent on the air. The air breezed into her room, fresh and freeing for her in a way she did not truly understand, but she knew it helped. She had transferred to these quarters not long after she had been released from the Infirmary last year, once it became clear that she had been inevitably changed by the retrovirus. Her old room, though warm and comfortable, had felt like a cage. She needed the small promise of freedom that wide windows and a balcony offered her. Carson had found some way to arrange it for her, and perhaps Laura Heightmeyer had helped as well, but her request had been instantly granted.

She pushed open the balcony doors to their widest angle as she stepped out to the small platform that was her area of freedom. She drew in the air with delight. Though the sun was setting it was moving down slowly, basking in the last moments of the day. She closed her eyes and absorbed all her attention into the sensation of the wind on the face, feeling it dancing through her hair and in the open wide expanse around her. The last moments of the day always seemed to send a thrill through her each night, as if part of her rejoiced in the arrival of night. It was a time of freedom, wildness and thrills. She drew in the sensation, basking in it as she did the golden sunlight.

She opened her eyes abruptly as she pushed away those wild emotions, pulling her control back around herself once again like a tight cage. She reached forward and clasped the cool metal railings and looked down at her bluish tinted hands. It had been over a year since her change, but still every time she looked at her changed appearance she was full of ambivalence. Part of her was still shocked to see the strange blue colouring to her skin, wishing it away and all the other changes with it. Yet, another part of her found the changes appealing, the part of her that revelled in the darkness of night and that longed to run wildly through the hallways when everyone else was asleep. She tightened her hands around the cold metal railing, willing the chill to douse the growing flames inside her.

Last night she had dreamt. It had been a thrilling and stimulating dream, but had left her feeling worried and anxious all the rest of today. Last night she had dreamt of climbing the central tower. She twisted now, looking up at the small patch of tower she could see above her balcony. In the dream she had climbed up the entire height of it, her bare hands finding handholds in the cracks and channels between panels. She looked up now, scanning the landscape of the tower's surface. In the dream she had found a path up it with no hesitation. She had scaled her way up with speed and excitement. The sun warmed metal had been solid under her hands and against her body. When no handholds had presented themselves she had perched up on any tiny platform she could find and she had leapt, reaching for the next panel or support protruding from the tower. It had been so thrilling.

She closed her eyes now, her head still tilted up towards the darkening sky. She remembered the visceral excitement that had powered her body. Her legs had felt powerful and her arms strong. She had reached a balcony at one point and had perched on the railing like a bird as she pulled her jacket away from her body, freeing her arms from the restriction. She had discarded the jacket, letting it fall from her hands. Her feet had felt constricted in her boots so she had pulled them off as well, allowing them to drop down the side of the tower. She had resumed climbing with the wind dancing around her bared belly and arms, and her bare feet had clung to the warm metal wall in delight. It was as if every toe had celebrated in its new freedom and in the delight of climbing. She had been laughing as she had made her way up and around the massively tall Gate room windows, through which she had seen the back of the Gate. People had seen her from inside and she had laughed. She was not like them; she was free. The top of the tower had beckoned and she had slithered her body up towards it as the light had died away, leaving her almost at the highest point, satisfaction and the climax of her climb so near.

Teyla opened her eyes, cutting off her recollection of her dream and she turned back to the wide cool expanse of sea and open air beyond the balcony. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and she could feel the light layer of sweat over her palms as she clutched the railing. These feelings, these wild passing needs, plagued her still. But, she would not surrender to them, for she would not be ruled by them. These were thoughts of an Iratus bug, not her.

Shaking her head to rid herself of the last remnants of her dream, she focused on the pier stretching out below the balcony. The small square of water that glinted in the centre looked so inviting. She had on occasion longed to dive into the chilled water of the ocean. The small isolated area of water contained by the pier would be safe enough she suspected. Then the thought that there might be something that she might have to battle in those dark waters brought forth a frisson of anticipation. Sighing at her lack of control this evening, she moved her gaze away from the inviting water, to see dark figures appear at the foot of the tower, heading out onto the pier.

She watched them; two small dark figures clearly heading out along the pier. She focused on them, using the distraction. Two men she decided as she watched them twist and stretch their bodies; going for a run she guessed and sure enough they began to jog over to the edge of the pier. John and Ronon. She wasn't sure how it was that she could tell it was them from this distance and height, but she was sure. She watched them round a corner to reach the long edge of the pier and abruptly they were running flat out. Her heart raced in her chest again as she watched them running, fast, without any restraint.

John was clearly the one in front. She watched him turning before Ronon, now appearing to be running backwards even at such a speed. She watched in fascination as Ronon moved faster, almost reaching John, but then John turned back to the distance end of the pier. He kept the distance between for a few moments and then with a sudden flash of speed he pulled away, running at an amazing speed along the pier.

Her heart hammered away at seeing the power and speed he now possessed. He was running away from the edge now and she watched him leap up onto a raised platform, running along it for some length before he leapt from it, seeming to bounce off one wall to land back on the trail ahead of Ronon and he raced on.

Teyla became aware that she was leaning eagerly over the railing, desperately watching the freedom he was enjoying. A freedom she wished to feel. She hated him again as she pulled herself back under control, prising her clenched hands away from the cold railing. She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging warmth to herself as she tried to tear her eyes away from John running with joy and clear abandon along the pier, Ronon lagging behind him.

She had tried not to hate John for what had happened last year. Hate was perhaps too strong a word. She had accepted his apology, given many times, and she had been sincere when she had given it. However, she could not seem to feel the same closeness she once had for him. She had tried to maintain their friendship and he appeared to be trying as well, though she had begun to dislike his expression of regret he wore far too often around her. It had not been his fault. She understood that. It was not his fault that she struggled daily with the feelings which the retrovirus had embroiled within her. She could never hate him for that. But, she found that she could hate him for the clear ease and acceptance which he felt for his own change. He seemed so unaffected by what had happened. His personality hadn't changed in the least to her eye, and it was clear that he relished his new enhanced agility. He regretted his actions, but to her it was clear that he had moved on.

She had not. Every day was a struggle to deny what she felt. The burning need inside to run, to escape, anything to work off the power bursting through her body. It was worse at the mid point of her cycle. During those times she felt a wild need to fight, to make love and to dance in the dark.

She had only once lost control since her change and fortunately that had been whilst sparring against Ronon. She had not slept well the night before and he had gotten in a lucky shot. As soon as his weapon had scraped her arm something had snapped inside her. It had been an excuse a part of her had been waiting for. She had struck out at him with a force and speed she had not known she possessed. Ronon had been injured, for he had not seen the attack coming, not with such viciousness and unrestraint. That had been his explanation, but she had known the truth, for she had seen it in his eyes; she had truly shocked him. He had accepted her apology and had seemed eager to train with her again, but after that she had worked to keep an even tighter control over her 'urges'. She had spoken with Laura about it and she had suggested plenty of exercise, which was helping, but there were moments. Like last night, when a part of her expressed itself; that she was not free and that part of her wanted to climb out of her tight control and into the dusk light.

She looked down at the pier once more, to see that John and Ronon had disappeared from view, no doubt around the far side of the pier, or perhaps already on to another. She lifted her gaze to the last rays of the sun on the horizon and prayed to the Ancestors. She asked for patience and for guidance with her new self. But, with her eyes closed with her prayer already her mind was once again climbing up the central tower with excitement and joy.

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END


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